Three Kittens; The Alternative Commentary



*In the car on the way home from work "I was thinking we could get a walk in this evening huni" – she says! "Ehhhhh Engerland are playing" – he replies And so it begins

"As you’re in the kitchen watching the match love will you load the dishwasher?" "I’m watching the match!" He’s watching the build-up you know! He thinks I don’t know a thing about football… The fun is that watching and listening to him is more entertaining than the match…

“God Save Our Queen” can be heard full pelt out of tune from the kitchen. The cat is running for cover and the neighbourhood dogs are howling thinking they are getting lucky tonight

A vuvuzela circa 2010 has been found – for the love of god! What will the neighbours think!

2’ “Jesus Christ Ref send him off!” “You could kill a man doing that!” I turn up the volume on Eastenders, it’s gunna be a loud one

8’ “Ffs Vardy twice in 2 minutes” “The missus knows the offside rule better than you” I do you now – because he tells me during every match!

It’s gone quiet in the kitchen – I venture out to check the situation – I could check the score on my TV – but the man child left to his own devises in the same room as the drinks cabinet the night England are playing – we have work tomorrow!

18’ I enter at the same time as himself utters the words “Rose was always as useless as a chocolate teapot!” Down the pub that would have been a tirade of “soft yellow” I recognise the tribal vs factual commentaries at this stage! I retreat back to Grand Designs

23’ “Roooooooooneeeee………. Plank” “me mother could’ve got that in!” He’s resorting to mother comparisons – that’s never good…. But Rooney does seem a lovely boy! Nah can’t say it with a straight face – I’m watching Grand Designs – I need to amuse myself somehow! I’ve read the Heat story!

28’ “Get that useless …….. off the pitch” At this stage Vardy is in danger of finding himself off my husband’s Christmas card list…. The swearing is now prolific and I can hear the beer bottles in the fridge being roughly pulled from the box.