Liverpool Player Ratings



Simon Mignolet: Decent game, including a superb penalty save in the first half. Had no chance with the 1st/2nd, and the 3rd was ‘one of them', as Hugo Lloris would say himself. Migs is most certainly in the last-chance saloon right now (which is located 10 miles outside Liverpool and does Bed & Breakfast only). Needs a string of clean sheets….Good luck with that…. 7/10

Nathaniel Clyne: Looked threatening going forward (which was his achilles heel last season to an extent). He’s going to have many more options on his rampages forward this season with the likes of Mané, Coutinho, Firmino & Lallana to work with. I see Patsy having a BIG season this year, which is just as well…we don’t really have any other full-backs in the whole damn squad. 8/10.

Dejan Lovren: In the next training session I can only presume that somebody will pull Dejan aside and inform him that if he’s trying to block a shot, it’s probably not wise to try and do it by practicing his ‘lunges’ with his hands behind his back. Don’t get me wrong, his lunging technique is terrific, really spot on, but for blocking a football, it’s not very effective. 7/10

Ragnar Klavan: Just LOOK at him. What a magnificent specimen of a man. Klavan The Barbarian. Bought for thruppence ha’penny (which is worth £4.2m in today’s money), he looks composed despite playing alongside a certain Spaniard pretending to be a professional footballer. I like the cut of his jib, and if you’ve seen his jib you’d like it too. Just don’t ask me how I saw it 8/10.

Alberto Moreno; The following is the review for Bertie ‘The Bollox’ Moreno from his last competitive game for Liverpool, a full 3 months ago… His consistency is amazing….as is the decision by LFC not to buy a left-back…F*CK SAKE….

Geordie Wine Gum: If he was supposed to be a defensive midfielder, then he wasn’t really that good, as the Liverpool midfield didn’t exist. If he was supposed to be an attacking midfielder, he was outstanding, making numerous bursting raids into the box, one of which led to the second goal by Lallana. Maybe Jurgen left it up to himself to decide? Who knows? 7/10

Jordan Henderson: Oh Captain, My Captain. Jordan Henderson is a bit like Robin Williams in ‘Dead Poets Society’. Some will stand up on tables and scream their love for him. Others will roll their eyes and make the ‘w*nker’ hand signal at those standing on the table. He's not as funny as Robin Williams though. Well, not intentionally. He was alright today. 6/10.

Adam Lallana: Losing the ball 40 yards from your own goal with a ‘Cruyff Turn’ that was so telegraphed the New York Times had reported it last week, is not a good idea. It was a stupid idea, done at a stupid time, done stupidly, and led to the opener. Scoring the goal to give us the lead with lovely chest control and a fine finish from an ever-tightening angle, is a good idea. 7/10

Philippe Coutinho: Dearest Philippe, I hope you summered well. I got your postcards from the Copa America, and I’m delighted you had some fun while away. I meanwhile just sat in a darkened room looking at pictures of you for three months. You are my everything, especially when you whip 30 yard free kicks into the top corner and follow that up with another goal. Love you. xxx 9/10

Roberto Firmino: Bobby, what the HELL are you doing with your hair? Sort it out mate. Good hustle today. Caused the Arsenal back four all sorts of issues and led the team press perfectly. Whatever formation we play this season, with whatever personnel, Roberto Firmino will be at the heart of it all. Oh, and that drag-around-backheel…took my breath away…. 8/10.