Gordon Brown Makes The Vowest Vow Yet

UK Politics


Dear friends, family members and former colleagues, since I am fully aware I no longer take a full time role in politics these days. I'm Gordon Brown and I have been asked to speak to you all today because the yes brigade are on the up and my role is to crush the hopes and dreams of people who enjoy wearing blue and white face paint whilst probably screaming "FREEDOM". Or something similar.

For those with memory problems due to old age (and that's essentially the core vote of the British Empire Union these days) I'll begin by saying that you may remember me from other Scottish Labour Branch presentations such as Home Alone Rule, The Vower Rangers and Honey, I Called Her A Bigot.

Back in 2014 I made every single one of you a promise. I promised that within 2 or 3 years, Scotland would have home rule. The greatest devolution of powers in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm back here today, 3 years later, to say this promise is well and truly back on the table. There will be home rule in my lifetime. Honest. Maybe. Probably not though.

The glorious leader of the Labour party K̶e̶z̶i̶a̶ ̶D̶u̶g̶d̶a̶l̶e̶ J̶e̶r̶e̶m̶y̶ ̶C̶o̶r̶b̶y̶n̶ Theresa May said earlier this week that "now is not the time" for another vote on Scottish Independence. This is true. Which is why today I'm announcing that, like George Osbourne, May is about to begin a 2nd job as the voice of the Speaking Clock. Give her a ring on 0800 2014 55 55 55.

Some may question why I am the one to bring you this news today. It's because there's nobody in a better position as myself to deliver this pledge. I used to be in charge of the nation's finances. I then became the most powerful man in the country. I then moved to the backbenches in parliament. And now I'm in my most important role of my life. A citizen of Fife. A true man of the people.

Many people in Scotland worry about being taken out of the European single market. I have a proposition which will allay these fears. Today I introduce a Scottish Single Market. One place to share the wealth, trade and industry of cheap fruit & veg, second hand video games and knock-off clothes at dirt cheap prices. Sadly, it'll only be open on Saturday mornings. But still. It'll work.

The Party Formerly Known As Scottish Labour asked me here today for another key reason. There's just too many political figures who make speeches these days without carrying an invisible football around. I'm here to show those people exactly how it should be done.

You may well have seen the front page of today's Daily Change The Record where this headline was shown... This is actually a misrepresentation. I actually was tying to spice my sex life up and asked my wife for a three-way alongside Scottish sex-bomb Susan Boyle. Sadly the leak was taken as some form of indyref2 comment. No wonder newspapers are failing.

I thank you all for coming along to see me talk today. Especially those BBC cameramen who seem to love putting me on their news channels, despite me having not a single grain of power in my entire body these days. Brilliant job they do. Can you all give a standing ovation to the BBC before you head off home please?

I'll be back to lecture you again in 3/4 years time when Yes has a 60-40 lead in the polls. I'm away back to the freezer until then so that I don't hear any of the debate between now and then. That way I can just repeat exactly what I said in 2014 to win the vote for no, and as everyone knows, why change a winning formula? As I said to the chief of Labour when I lost the election in 2010...