*TRUMPET FANFARE* Good evening one and all, and welcome to the Ballon d'Or .... thingy. I'm @GoonerMV... let's do this.

Over to Zurich we go. A nice break from the rain here. Talking of rain... It has rained in Eglwyswrw for 75 days in a row. It's in Wales.

How do you pronounce it? "Way-yools". Weather got me sidetracked there, back to what we're all here for. How long till Messi wins?

Ballon d'Or? I'm here for the FIFA Fair Play Award. Platini vs Blatter. Corrupt vs Even More Corrupt. Who will go home with the award?

It's 2016. This is the 2015 Ballon d'Or. Hmmm. 2016 must have paid more than 2015. Sky starting with a montage. 2.5/10. Generous.

We start with two cello players. 2Cellos flashes up. Either I'm being insulted or that's the 'band' name. Now using them as drums...

WHAT. IS. THIS. One of them has disappeared under the smoke, and can be half seen spinning on his head. Still playing the cello, of course.

James Nesbitt? Have I got the wrong channel on? Box is playing up again... give me a sec. Hang on, this is the channel. He's presenting it!

Nesbitt kicks things off with a selfie with the nominees. Bit of a delay as they try and fit Ronaldo's head in. No luck.

David Saunders

I think you mispelled 'ego'...

*NOT IN ENGLISH KLAXON* Just as well I'm here I guess. Ah, there's a voiceover. Good. Not that I needed it. Obviously.