By The Minute - Notting Hill



At 8.00 this evening feel free to join me as I take a thoughtful look at the middle part of Hugh Grant's Posh Guys Need Love Too You Know trilogy, Notting Hill. *Note. Thoughtful Look may actually end up being less than thoughtful.

So, here we are then, It's 1998 and still flushed with the success of Four Weddings and a Funeral, Richard Curtis decides that what post-Diana Britain really needs is another dose of Hugh Grant struggling to land the beautiful American woman visiting London that summer. Join me then, for a minute by minute viewing of Notting Hill.

1 min: Opening credits. A montage of Julia Roberts going to premieres, being snapped, being photographed behind the scenes of blockbuster movies. In the background, Elvis Costello shits on his legacy with a pub singer take on Gallic crooner Charles Aznavour's She.

2 min. Hugh is walking up Portobello Road, talking to us about how great Notting Hill is, talking about the working class scum who toil there on their filthy stalls like they're his mates. Greengrocers, tattoo artists. Hugh gives the game away though when he says "whats great is that loads of my friends have moved here" - such as Hugh's mate the architect turned chef. Gentrification, eh?

3. But oh no life in the London Borough of Priced Out Working Class People isnt all rosy, Despite living in a "small village in the middle of a city", Hugh's not happy. BECAUSE HIS WIFE LEFT HIM FOR "someone who looks like Harrison Ford". Of course she fucking did. What would you prefer? Being left for someone who looks like ex Manchester United White Walker Luke Chadwick?

This is a revenge movie. Yeah, bitch. You think Indiana Jones looks good, wait till you see who I end up with? Eh? In the house we bought, you harpy.

4 min. Hugh now lives with Rhys Ifans. There now follows a visual gag so laboured it would have been easier for Rhys to turn to the camera and say "Hello I'm a Welsh person and therefore a badly dressed sex case most likely."

5. Oh no Hugh's travel bookshop round the corner from his house is struggling financially. Like all struggling bookshops Hugh finds it necessary to employ someone other than himself. It's that nice James Dreyfus, who in this looks a wee bit like the singer from The National. OH MY CHRIST A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN HAS ENTERED THE BOOKSHOP. WHO THE FUCK CAN IT BE? Fuck me it's Julia Roberts.

6. Hugh immediately demonstrates the business nous that has seen his shop fail by recommending that the beautiful woman doesnt buy the book she's currently reading. It's alright for you Hugh, you're clearly loaded but what about James? Who will feed his kids when the shop folds? You Tory bastard! Actually, Hugh's probably New Labour as fuck in this.

7. Dylan Moran attempts to steal a book. 7 minutes into a film about bumbling posh Englishmen and we've had a Welsh pervert and an Irish thief. This is peak Brexit.