By The Minute - Notting Hill

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8. Julia signs an autograph for the Irish shoplifter. BUT HE CANT READ!! HA HA HES IRISH, HES A CRIMINAL AND HES ILLITERATE. This is romcom gold.

9. Hugh throws a free book in for the beautiful customer. What a prize clown.

10. Hugh buys a nice hot cup of Plot Device from a blink and you'll miss it Omid Djalili. Hugh is multicultural as fuck. He's humming an Asian Dub Foundation tune. Possibly.

11. OH NO. Hugh has thrown Cup of Plot Device all over JULIA ROBERTS TITS. Switching instantly from Bumbling Drink Spilling Twat Mode to Gallant Hero Mode, Hugh makes an offer to clean her up. And he makes a prostitute joke!

NB: Julia was in Pretty Woman which is a story of how an ordinary but beautiful woman escapes the glamorous world of prostitution by making HAMSTER ARSE Richard Gere fall in love with her. Grrr. Mercy...

12. Whilst Julia gets changed, Hugh tries to tidy his kitchen because you see Hugh has gone to seed now that Han Solo is shagging his wife. Julia reappears wearing a kind of inverse burqa. She is HOT! Clearly Hugh wants her. But because he is so English he offers her a cup of tea instead of a cup of cock.

It's about different cultures, see. They could be together, but Hugh is so English and repressed and she is so Hollywood and brash and her tummy out it's never going to happen. Or is it? Eh??

13. Fuck sake. Julia fucks off.

14. Ta-da. Julia comes back. With some bullshit two bags excuse.

15. Julia snogs Hugh! Oh my God. This is going to be a short film after all.