By The Minute - Notting Hill

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16. Oh no, Rhys Ifans is back and ruins the moment with his all round Welshness. His arse is hanging out his trousers. He is eating mayonnaise because he thinks it's yoghurt. What a bell end. Julia fucks off again.

17. Hugh and Rhys decide to watch a Julia Roberts film. It is clearly breaking Hugh's heart. Flatliners is a good Julia Roberts film. They should watch that. She dies. For a bit.

18. A pointless bookshop scene that exists purely to show that Hugh, having returned to the unimaginable hell of being his own boss in a bookshop in a wealthy part of north London, just cannot escape Julia. Look her face is emblazoned on the side of an iconic double decker bus!! To be honest, Hugh, I think we're giving signs on the side of buses a little too much credit here, arent we?

19. WHATS THAT KERRAYZEE WELSH DUDE UP TO NOW? He's wearing a scuba suit indoors!! Because all his clothes are dirty!! The action moves to Hugh's roof garden. You know, roof gardens. Like we all have.

20. ADD INCOMPETENCE to the list of crimes committed by Rhys Ifans. He's only forgotten to pass Julia Roberts phone message on!!

21. Hugh eventually gets through to Julia. He drops a joke in about stabbing his housemate. But then he enunciates the word "tea" with such elan we see he is only joshing about his contempt for the working classes.

22. Hugh jumps off the back off a double decker opposite the Ritz. Thus providing the most London moment in cinema since Irene Handl spat her jellied eels into a pearly queen's face in the long forgotten classic Cockney Sparrow Goes Down The Dogs (1947) Hugh has got flowers though. No doubt bought from one of his salt of the earth trader mates dahn the faggin margitt gaw bless you san.

23. Hilarious misunderstanding. Julia's PR thinks Hugh is a journalist. Oh, if only you knew how ironic that is, Mrs PR lady.

24. Hugh pretends to be from Horse and Hound! It's hilarious because a) it's a posh people's magazine and b) they dont have a cinema section!!

25. Julia is wearing a man's suit. What the gender bender goddamn topsy turvy fuck is going on here? Is this some sort of convoluted metaphor about power dynamics within unconsummated sexual relationships? Is Julia thinking of getting a job at Price Waterhouse Cooper?