By The Minute - Notting Hill

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34. Hughs baby sister appears. She is what Telegraph readers call PUNK ROCK. She says Holy Fuck! Because this film needs a 15 rating and Hugh couldnt deliver that. Hugh's sister is definitely not Marmalade Atkins what was played by Charlotte Coleman who was in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Even though that film is about a socially inept Brit besotted with an American woman. Totally different movie.

35. THE BLOKE FROM DOWNTON ABBEY IS HERE!!! He works in the City!

36. You think those City wankers earn too much?! Julia got paid $15000000 for her last film!!

37. Everyone's awkward in that loveable middle class way that happens whenever Julia Roberts takes a shit in their bogs.

38. MONTAGE! I pure loves a montage, me. Scenes from a normal family dinner party. Smiles and party poppers. Ruined by Ronan Keating puking his Celtic mum-filth over proceedings.

39. Let's play a quick game of Who Has The Worst Life? Things have moved on in after dinner party games since the carkeys game. Is it Downton Abbey Man who cant get laid? Is it Stupid Hair Birthday Girl?....

40. No, it's Lady in a Wheelchair! She cant have babies. This is the winner. Because if she was merely in a wheelchair, her life could still have meaning and purpose but she's unable to bear children. So Fuck You Life. Fuck You In The Eye.

41. Julia makes a late play for the worst life crown. She talks about the hell of body image, paparazzi, gossip and plastic surgery! Blimey, life is tough isnt it?

42. HA HA HA! AWKWARD SILENCE. WHEELCHAIR LADY WINS!!!

43. Hugh and Julia leave. Everyone celebrates. Even Wheelchair Lady.