By The Minute - Notting Hill



44. A romantic walk through the London that doesnt have a great deal of knife crime....Hugh offers Julia the chance to come back to his place...she says no.

45. A locked park leads to ANOTHER CULTURAL DIFFERENCES LEARNING EXPERIENCE. Hugh says whoopsie daisy and cant climb over a fence. Julia, the brash American bitch, doesnt give a shit and is in there quicker than Quickie McQuick from Quicktown. That's the kind of thing Richard Curtis used to write. Sentences like that. I used to find them funny.

46. They're in the forbidden garden and Julia rewards Hugh's trespass with a passionate smoocher! YES! Oh no Ronan's back with his Oirish menopause pop, ceilidh pipes and all.

47. Hugh and Julia stare at a bench dedicated to a couple who stayed together their whole lives. Sweet Christ, do you mean it's possible that love sometimes lasts?

48. Hugh cant find his glasses! He has to wear a snorkel to the cinema!!! Like you would, on a date with the woman you want more than anything in the world.

49. In an obviously expensive restaurant, some men whom the ordinary viewer is invited to presume are odious City Banker Scum, are discussing Julia Roberts (who they dont realise is sat six feet away) in a manner befitting their utter cocktardness. Oh no, Hugh's flicked the switch in his hair to ADVANCED GALLANTRY MODE.

50. Somehow Hugh isn't kicked to death or called a mug cunt.

51. Julia gives them a load of shit and says they have tiny cocks!! YES!! In your face DEUTSCHE BANK!

52. Julia only goes and bleeding well invites him up to her room at the Ritz! But oh no her boyfriend Alec Baldwin is here! NO FUCKIE FUCK FUCK for you Hugh me boy!

53. Hugh pretends to be room service! Ha! How does that feel posh boy? No shagging the film star for you, you have to take dirty dishes and empty the bins!!!