By The Minute - Notting Hill

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54. Alec Baldwin says Julia mustnt get fat!! Now we have even more reasons to hope love will triumph.

55. Al Green's version of How To Mend A Broken Heart comes on. As tender an expression of thwarted love as has ever been committed to vinyl. I could weep here.

56. Hugh goes to see the new Julia Roberts film at the cinema. Surprisingly, it doesnt appear to arrest his malady.

57. Hugh tells Rhys Ifans he feels like he's taken love heroin. A metaphor that Hugh presumes that Rhys, from the post industrial shooting galleries of the Valleys, will relate to.

58. Hugh's friends rally round! They know birds! Birds Hugh could shag!!!

59. Bird 1 is WORKING CLASS and DRINKS HEAVILY!!! Bird 2 is FUCKING MENTAL!!!

60. If only Hugh could meet a nice beautiful English middle class bird he'd be ok. Wouldnt he? NOTE: I'm using bird here in an ironic manner so as to emphasise the gulf between the everyman persona we are supposed to believe Hugh Grant embodies in this film and the reality of someone living in a house worth millions. I nicked the idea off Germaine Greer when we got wankered in Wethers that time.

61. Bird 3 fits the bill!

62, "All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman," Hugh says this to Wheelchair Lady. Fuck sake. I'm English, I live and work in Wales. I spend a large amount of my time trying to convince the locals that we English are not all chinless Inverdales with a dim view of Our Friends in the West.

See what I did there. It's a reference to Our Friends In The North. Us writer types drop shit like that in all the time, playas.