By The Minute - Notting Hill



111. Four unbearably happy minutes of weddings, premieres, dances later we end up with Julia up the duff, sitting on the bench where she discovered that love really can last forever. An illusion that lasts as long as it takes you to realise All Saints are now singing, the credits are rolling and you wonder what the fuck you've done with your evening. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.

110. Despite the presence of the world's media, some of whom would surely recognise Hugh on sight, Hugh manages to fool them all and dance his delicate way round an apology to Julia and suddenly everyone falls in love again. It's like the end of Love Actually but earlier and not in an airport. Elvis Costello starts to shit on his back catalogue.

109. In a press conference, a journalist asks Julia whatever happened to that Hugh Grant chap you were seen at in your pants?

108. The concierge wont let them in! Luckily Wheelchair Lady makes a threat about going to the press about prejudice against wheelchair lady. This works!!

107. The world's most boring traffic sequence.

106. Comedy of cultural errors! QUICK! TO THE SAVOY!!

105. Epiphany time! Hugh realises he's fucked up! Quick! To the Ritz! In a Peugeot!! Tfhey're all giving Sir Percy shit about his driving. He says "I bet James Bond doesnt have to put up with this shit!" It's funny because this is a British film and Hugh got turned down for the role of James Bond. English humour, best in the ruddy world.

104. Hugh repeats Julia's line back to his friends. Remarkably none of them shit themselves laughing.

103. Hugh tells his friends what he just did. They dont care.

102. Here it is! The absolute nadir of romantic dialogue!! "I'm just a girl standing before a boy, asking him to love her" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBOAK! Dumbfounded at the sheer awfulness of that speech, Hugh lets her leave without saying goodbye.