Bon Soir! Bonjour! Good Evening! Oiche Mhaith! One of those evening greetings should be correct in whatever language you know, so let's crack on. I'm @NiallHawthorne and I'm here to bring you Neymar v Toulouse in RED HOT LIGUE UN ACTION! What else would you be doing on a Sunday evening?

I'm not saying that the Parisiens are excited about the home debut of the MOST EXPENSIVE PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE GALAXY but I'm getting reports that someone forgot to turn on the lights on the Eiffel Tower and here are some live shots of the Champs Elysee right now.

Anyway, contrary to popular belief, this is an actual football match, so let's get the team news out of the way. Here's the PSG Team with huge news that Neymar starts on the bench. HAH! OF COURSE HE DOESN'T! DON'T BE DAFT!

For those of you with an in-depth knowledge of French Football (or more likely you're from Toulouse), here's the Toulouse team. Amazingly none of them also play the egg-chasing, so I have no idea who any of them are. Hang on, there's Max Gradel! GRADEL GRADEL GRADEL, THEY MADE HIM OUT OF CLAY, GRADEL GRADEL GRADEL, HE HARDLY EVER PLAYS... Marvellous.

So time for some in-depth pre-match analysis. PSG front three: Cavani, Neymar, Di Maria. That's pretty tasty, eh? Let's look at the Barca front three this evening shall we? Messi, Delofeu and Alcacer. OH MY... What time is it? Oh aye, it's gone 7pm, so Barca have also withdrawn their bid for Coutinho. OH DEARY ME. Pete Tong to gig in the Camp Nou next week *taps nose*

Now those who have read my writing on this website over the past *does quick count* THREE YEARS !?!?!?! (f*cking hell) will know I'm a big fan of wordplay. Neymar's first game at home v Toulouse. TO LOSE. It's written in the stars y'know. Mind you, the approach of Toulouse tonight is not exactly a secret...

I'm expecting a French Bus to be very similar to an old fashioned English Bus, except that instead of three turning up at once as it does in Blighty, the French one will probably turn up late, shrug its shoulders and not give a flying feck if it missed three goals already. I'm expecting an early goal is what I'm trying to say.

Teams are in the tunnel, with the players sipping on bottles of Evian, except for Neymar who's sipping from a gold bottle of water mined from Mars and sent back to Earth. Well, he cost €222,000,000, what do you expect? 200 Trevor Franciseseseses. What a shuddering thought.

Pre-match handshakes have happened. All the Toulouse players dropped to their knees to kiss the feet of Neymar when they got to him. Quite right too. There's an awful lot of faffing about by referees and coaches and ballboys and the like. Expecting a Can Can to break out in a second. GET ON WITH IT (after the minutes silence for Barcelona obviously).

A well respected and observed minutes silence in Paris, as you would expect from a city who has also been left reeling by the actions of these cowards. Time to get going. PSG with 2 wins out of 2, 5 scored, none conceded v Toulouse with one win, one loss (to Monaco 3-2). GAME ON!