Ross Kemp Behind Bars

TV

ByTheMinTV

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's happening here then? Grant Mitchell in trouble with the law again? All will be revealed in just over 5 minutes... Stay tuned.

Oh my days! It's finally happened! Ross Kemp is handcuffed and being slammed in the knick! One of those mad Nicaraguan crack gangs has finally convinced him to run a few errands, I mean who would suspect a beloved celebrity!? Well obviously someone has. He's been busted and turfed in the slammer. I hope he likes the taste of porridge...

Oh no, hold on. Sorry, spoke too soon. It's all just for TV. So Ross is being thrown in the prison for real, to find out what life is like inside one of the world's oldest and most notorious prisons - Bar L! That's Barlinnie for the non-Glaswegian viewer, the 'big hoose' in Glasgow's East End

Ross is being treated as though he were a prisoner, processed as if he were a real criminal. Fancy chair is really a metal detector, checking him internally for weapons or phones.

I've spent a bit of time behind bars in Glasgow myself, admittedly an altogether different type of bars. But, having spent some years pulling pints in one of Glasgow town's more colourful districts this show should be a great way to see what has become of some old customers...

100,000 people in jail in the UK, at an average annual cost of £36,000 per head. Ross wants to know if the prison is to keep dangerous people away, to rehabilate or punish? He's about to find out what work is like inside the prison

Ross is off to the kitchen. Dangerous criminals with sharp knives to prepare veg. What could possibly go wrong?

Wee close up look at the implements of Ross' imminent torture that make up the kitchen cabinet. The guy wielding the knife making sannies tells Ross he is in prison for stabbing someone "really bad". Squeaky bum time.

Exercise time. Ross is meeting Hugh, a man who has had more than one stint in BarL. "It's a f***ing bear pit mate". Keep your head down, keep your opinions to yourself is his basic message

Prison officer Stevie showing Ross the prisoners home made weapons. A dismantled safety razor melted and reframed. An enormous knife that has been brought in "banked". That is up the jacksy in Queen's English. Wow. That has to hurt