Crystal Palace
1

Newcastle
1

Football

ByTheMinEPL

Afternoon kiddos. @aidanleape here to bring you coverage of this absolute stone cold stunner. Oh. What. This isn't Liverpool Spurs. What is it then? It must be good. It's Super Sunday. YOU WHAT. Palace v Newcastle. Oh alright then. I'll try my best.

Teams are in the tunnel for this 15th v 16th battle. So I suppose I should tell you whose in there. For Crystal Palace: Hennessey; Fosu-Mensah, Kelly, Tomkins, van Aanholt; Townsend, Milivojevic, Cabaye, McArthur; Zaha, Benteke.

And Rafa has selected this 11 for Newcastle: Darlow; Yedlin, Lascelles, Clark, Dummett; Ritchie, Shelvey, Diame, Kenedy; Perez; Gayle.

BENCHES. Palace: Ward, Sorloth, Sakho, Lee, Souare, Riedewald, Henry Newcastle: Murphy, Dubravka, Hayden, Manquillo, Lejeune, Merino, Atsu

I've just listened to China In Your Hand that I attached for your listening pleasure. Christ it's long isn't it. Far too long. And shite too. Nevermind. We're off and away. 0-0 (0)

Kenedy has a tattoo on the back of his head that is embedded in his hairline. We have finally reached the moment when the Premier League has gone just too far. 0-0 (1)

Delightfully open game thus far, which may also be known as delightfully village defending. Zaha is right through the middle as Clark forgets that he is meant to be defending for the visitors. He scrambles back well to force young Wilf into a bit of a stumble. Palace attacking again now. Townsend and Benteke run into each other as both look to pull the trigger. Banter. 0-0 (3)

I'm not one for making rash instantaneous judgements and decisions, but 5 minutes in, this game is already absolute donkeymeat lasagna, and has hilarity written all over it. 0-0 (5)

A shot now for Newcastle. Big ball hoisted in, which Gayle controls neatly on his knee. He then turns and, instead of shooting, has mercy of Hennessey, and decides to pass it back to the Palace keeper. How kind. 0-0 (6)

Another deep cross from Newcastle, and Kenedy is there at the back post. Tries to get his chest on it to knock it down into Shelvey, but clearly the on loan Chelsea player doesn't have a ribcage, as the ball almost gets stuck into his interior organs. Ends up getting nowhere near the feet of Shelvey, and Palace clear. 0-0 (7)