Righty then. Game 3 of the Premier League afternoon, and it's one straight out of the PES playbook as Hampshire Red host Hampshire Red Classic at St Mary's. I'm @aidanleape, here to continue these facile jokes about Liverpool basically being Southampton B all afternoon. You lucky lot. Let me get you some music

And some teams too: Southampton A (AKA Southampton, AKA Them Saints): McCarthy; Soares, Stephens, Hoedt, Bertrand; Romeu, Lemina; Ward-Prowse, Hojbjerg, Tadic; Carrillo

And for Southampton B (AKA Saints MK2, AKA Liverpool): Karius; Alexander-Arnold, Matip, van Dijk, Robertson; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Can, Wijnaldum; Salah, Firminho, Mane

Shall I give you the benches? I'll give you the benches. Because I'm nice. Southampton: Yoshida, Long, Davis, Boufal, Gabbiadini, Redmond, Forster Liverpool: Lovren, Milner, Moreno, Lallana, Mignolet, Ings, Solanke

Martin Tyler there, almost stuttering out his "And it's live" trope there. A man who knows that his moment in the spotlight has been stolen for the afternoon. The regret in his voice palpable. Hard times. Feel sorry for Martin.

I was going to watch this game for you, but I can't. I just can't stand the Liverpool kit. It's the colour of a four year old's vomit who has been going at the Sunny D for a couple of weeks. Anyway, I'm contractually obliged to say that we are away. 0-0 (0)

"First touch for Lemina, who is a very gifted player" says Martin, just as he shanks a hopeless pass straight at a Liverpool defender Really is one of those days for poor Martin. I'm certain he's just going to scream AGUERO before the day is out, in a scrambling attempt to reassert his dominance Lemina with another poor ball, Hoedt just about recovers to stop a chance for Firminho 0-0 (3)


Hoedt got away with an error a minute ago, but not here. Southampton corner cleared, and Liverpool look to break. Oxlade-Chamberlain I think with a ball down the line, and Hoedt completely misjudges the bounce and pace of the ball. He almost tries to hurdle it, and the ball squirms through to Salah Salah takes his time, looks up, squares to Firmino, who smashes home from 16 yards 0-1 (7)

Liverpool fans there, attempting to get there team a fine and a points deduction for calling their striker "Bobby Firmino" That is not ok. That is not on. That is not cricket. 0-1 (9)