Chelsea
3

West Brom
0

Football

ByTheMinEPL

BREAKING NEWS: I've just wolfed down Tagliatelle al Ragu Bolognese to be here. OTHER BREAKING NEWS: Antonio Conte is still being a whiney git OTHER OTHER BREAKING NEWS: He won't get sacked tonight, because West Brom are the opponents OTHER OTHER OTHER BREAKING NEWS: But if he does lose, it will be hilarious. @aidanleape here for Chelsea v West Brom. Willkommen.

And amongst all those welcomes, I can confirm that this is the first sporting event today that hasn't been cancelled due to wind. Cracking stuff. Let me grab you some team news...

Freshly grabbed, here we go. Chelsea go with this set on XI 'Footballers': Courtois; Azpilicueta, Christensen, Rudiger; Moses, Kante, Fabregas, Zappacosta; Pedro, Hazard, (Gorgeous, Gorgeous, Gorgeously Gorgeous) Giroud. Taking a seat on the bench of dreams are Caballero, Drinkwater, Morata, William, Cahill, Palmeri, Ampadu (DU DU, PUSH PINEAPPLE, SHAKE THE TREE) (sorry)

And for Dancing Pards, it's this eleven. Foster; Dawson, Hegazi, Evans; Gibbs, Phillips; Krychowiak, Barry, Brunt; Sturridge, Rondon. On their backsides for at least some of this game are: Nyom, Yacob, Myhill, McClean, Burke, Racist (potentially, my lawyers have told me to add) Rodriguez, McAuley

And all of that typing is done just in time for kick off. The lovely Giroud, the man of my dreams, the man of anybody's dreams, floats his foot towards the ball, and we are away. 0-0 (0)

GOOD NEWS CHELSEA FANS. You're unbeaten in the five games that I've covered on the BTM Website. Take that as a piece of calming assurance. Or maybe don't. West Brom corner. Floated in by Krychowiak, but eventually cleared. 0-0 (2)

Oh for fucks sake. Excuse my French, but you couldn't write this. After three minutes, Daniel Sturridge is straight down the tunnel. You can work out the rest, he's injured. Looks like his hamstring has gone ping. My father and I will file that one as another injury for Balsa Wood Boy. Racist Jay (Allegedly) is on in his place, and flashes a shot wide with his first strike. 0-0 (4)

Some shouts from the commentators that Rodriguez should get a foul as Fabregas goes to close down his shot. It's true enough that he does catch him, but it's one of those where you're going for a block and arrive on the scene after the ball is gone. It's never a penalty, but it's definitely a foul. Make any sense? Not really, but you get me. Cross in now, thumping Rondon header. Just wide.

Great start this from West Brom. Phillips on the overlap wins a corner now. Chelsea meanwhile have not got going, and the crowd is silent. 0-0 (6)

Courtois with a punch away from the corner. Chelsea then come forward through Pedro. He shuffles it wide to Giroud (who isn't quite as sexy in blue as he was in that tight red Arsenal shirt (Is this too much now, I hope so)), but his shot is blocked down Also, I've figured out Sturridge. He must just be a large mutation of one of those paper figures that go on the bases in Subbuteo 0-0 (9)