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Real Madrid
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Hey hey kids. @aidanleape here for what should be an absolutely ripsnorting affair. Well. I say should. Real might score in the first 5 minutes and make this as redundant as Liverpool Porto. But lets be positive. ITS GOING TO BE A RIPSNORTER. CUE THE MUSIC (which I'm now contractually obliged to say is Roddy's thing. Takes away a bit of the ring of it all really)

As Shane Warne and Mark Nicholas talk hair loss, I'm going to talk teams. PSG looking to overturn this 3-1 firs leg deficit at the Park of Princes without Neymar. I hope they come out and hold a shirt like Brazil did that time. Can never forget that. #RIPNeymar. Anyway. They go with: Areola; Alves, Silva, Marquinhos, Berchiche; Verratti, Motta, Rabiot; Di Maria, Mbappe, Cavani

And for the visitors from that lovely Spanish city. No. Not the Gaudi one. The other one. The one with the better tapas. Real Madrid: Navas; Carvajal, Ramos, Varane, Marcelo; Kovacic, Casemiro (whose name always reminds me of a terrible chef of the same name who was once on an episode of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, OK, I'm unemployed, leave off): Vazquez, Asensio; Benzema, Ronaldo

On their arses are this ensemble. PSG: Trapp, Kimpembe, Meunier, Lo Celso, Diarra, Draxler, Pastore Real Madrid: Casilla, Nacho, Kroos, Modric, Bale, Hernandez, Isco

Crikey. Some atmosphere in her. Tickertape flashes into the sky as the Champions League anthem strikes into tune. The piercing blasts of firecrackers every couple of seconds. A light smog is enveloping both ends of this stadium. Fair to say the PSG fans are doing everything they can to get their team back in it.

Before kick off, we're holding a minutes silence for Davide Astori, the Fiorentina player who died at the weekend so tragically, aged just 31. I won't say the silence was impeccably observed, but the crowd did break out into spontaneous applause half way through.

Felix Brych is the referee. He's German. And he's blowing on some plastic lodged in his gob. Away we go in this smog. I can barely see the other side of the pitch. This is what I remember TV was like before HD. 0-0 (1)

The haze lifts to see Casimero rolling on the floor and clutching to his guts. Last time I saw that was on Casualty, and some actor had a bag of sausages falling out of their stomach. No such injury here, but a free kick for the visitors, and they can keep hold of the ball. 0-0 (2)

PSG with their foot on the ball early. Stroking it around like a Bond villain with a cat in his lap. Berchiche found himself in the middle of the park and tried to slip a ball behind the defence to Di Maria. Ramos read it well though, argied the Argentine off the ball, and allowed Navas to dash off his line to scoop the loose ball. 0-0 (5)

Di Maria there, pulling out the rabona cross into the area. Easily cleared mind, but all the chavtastic lads down the pub drinking the largers will like that won't they. Cheeky. Don't know where he learnt that from. When he was at Manchester United, the best he ever came up with was a 1-2 with Michael Carrick against Southampton. 0-0 (7)