Russia
0

Brazil
3

Football

ByTheMinHipster

Afternoon all. @aidanleape here, getting blacklisted by taking the piss out of Russia so that you don't have to. The hosts of this years World Cup host Brazil this afternoon in what can only be described as a highly mediocre international friendly which I have been co-opted into covering. Some music for your pleasure.

Kick off is at 4pm, so I've got just enough time to give you some team news. You will not believe how much effort it took to find these... Russia: Akinfeev; Granat, Kutepov, Kudryashov; Samedov, Zobnin, Glushakov, Golovin, Kombarov; Miranchuk; Smolov. Me neither. I've heard of two of them. I think.

Brazil have some equally fresh names. Well. One. Brazil: Becker (No, not Boris, probably good news considering the opponents); Alves, Miranda, Silva, Marcelo; Coutinho, Casemiro, Paulinho; Willian, Costa, Jesus

And the benches. No. I'm not typing them out. I have fingers to protect.

Pretty apt that as we head for our 5th Birthday here at BTM that I'm having to watch this game in Standard Definition. It's as if I'm viewing this through a fish tank or something. Truly terrible. Tell you hat else is terrible. These Brazilian tracksuits that the players are wearing for the anthems. More adverts than Times Square.

Big two fingers up to Boris Johnson here. A veritable f**ktonne of Russian flags wafting about during the anthem. The fans are holding up cards around the stadium meanwhile to make a three tiered tricolour. The führer would be proud.

Ah. I'm told this game is part of the 'Chevrolet Brazil Global Tour', whatever that is. I assume it's like some sort of footballing residency. Whatever it is, it probably deals exclusively in friendlies, and probably isn't as exciting as Billy Joel at Madison Square Gardens. Just a guess.

Russia in white (naturally), and Brazil in blue (naturally) (what a bloody horlics. Give me Red and Yellow please. Brazil hoof us off and we're underway. Also, I'm told Boris Becker in net for Brazil is better known as Alisson (naturally). 0-0 (0)

Akinfeev already taking his time. Swapping balls at this goal kick. Undoubtedly he's playing for the draw in the Chevrolet World Tour of Brazil Super Series Table. 0-0 (2)

Russia seem allergic to this ball at the moment. The atmosphere is more bustling shopping centre than bustling football stadium. First chance of the game. Ball chipped over the top to Jesus, who tries to swivel and whazz it in on the volley. Akinfeev down to get a shin on it. 0-0 (5)